Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

ME: Just because someone can play acoustic guitar doesn’t automatically mean they can sing.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*

On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you