if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
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SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”