if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
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When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.