if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
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jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.