If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
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Me when I hear gossip
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.