If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
He’s cranky this morning
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*