If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?