Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship?

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?