Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

Science memes

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.