If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
This kid is going places
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”