Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?

me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.