Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE