{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Seas the day!!!!
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
repaired
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Mmmm canned fish.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
