{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
