if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
