Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan

*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?

Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”