Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

(yawn)

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

me: *falls down stairs*

kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!

me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.