Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Orange is oranging 🟠

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

absolute chaos