Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

The glockness monster

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.