If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Just grow your own
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving