Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.

Most of the time.

Once in a while.

Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.

“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”

(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-

Wife: YES!

[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd