If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
You Might Also Like
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.