If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
You Might Also Like
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.