Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

Now colored!

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*