if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
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Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that