if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
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[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen