Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: