Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

cop: did anyone follow you here

jesus: no

cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

Brilliant!

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.