If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
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[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️