Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

The pointless tidy up before a play date.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck