if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
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Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
an airline just for babies.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Friday
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?