if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
You Might Also Like
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Never let them know your next move 😂
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)