If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
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Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”