If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
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Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I put the I in Insufferable.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
