Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.

This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*