If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
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NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow