Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.