If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud![]()
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
kevin is now a local weatherman
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Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.