Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

Very problematic

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*