Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?

The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

the best thing i’ve ever made

4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.