If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.