If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
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just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
ok like just. call me at this point
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.