If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
You Might Also Like
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND