If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
You Might Also Like
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Golf would be better with landmines.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I think my mom just blocked me
✨☝️✨
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.