If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
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everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
How is it still this week?
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.