If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
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I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
*watches the world burn*
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Bruh 😂
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end