If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
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I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
This is a sub tweet
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them