Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

#gardening

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction

Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.