Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

This is no longer winter this is harassment

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

#NeverForget