If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
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I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running