If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person