If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I need to get some bricks…
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
sliding into dms like
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft