If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
me irl
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.