Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

it must be school picture day

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I have a type: disappointing

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

I’ve been drinking.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”

[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself