Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

Married with Children was much funnier on TV.

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

*tries on a gas mask*

Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.