If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
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Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I am laughing way too hard at this.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.