“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
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We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me