Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

repaired

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream