Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

I’ve disappointed better people.

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

Body by Oreos

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?

Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?

if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me