If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
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Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
i’m so sick of this guy
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free