Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*

Boss: that is NOT a costume..

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?

WIFE: Your crocs are melting.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.

I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

what could possibly go wrong?

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.