If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Strangers have the best candy.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?