Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*

Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer