Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

i think both sides are to blame here

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

👀

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”