If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*