If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
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Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
