If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
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*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
What’s the point buying it then?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to