If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
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I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
The Compass
SONOFA
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.