If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
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i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
me when somebody idk start touching me
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?