If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
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This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Child: Mommy said I鈥檓 allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he鈥檚 9.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Don鈥檛 hate me cause I鈥檓 beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you鈥檙e still too drunk from Thursday! 馃嵒
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it鈥檚 a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn鈥檛.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*