Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

i can’t work under these festive conditions

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

[laying on top of me]

4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?