Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ll be OK

I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.

Wife: What? Why?

Me: I was calling her Siri.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I’m naming our next kid.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

My typo game is string.

wise man 1:

wise man 2:

wise man 3:

me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts

wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—

me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me

Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine

*raises glass, winks*

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?

My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.