If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Oh the world we live in…
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.