If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My daily affirmation
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
What a chick magnet..
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed