If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”