If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
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The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
My last name is Zilla.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Lmbo
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
mentally somewhere in italy
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!