If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
We all have our pet causes.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game