If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
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I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”