if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
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Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
You better watch out
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.