Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.

Is it because I’m brown??

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city

GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?

BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?